Emotional Disengagement

Stacie Watts, MS, LMFT

From the outside, emotionally disengaged couples appear much like the happily married couples. But, if you look closer, there is a difference between the two. Emotionally disengaged couples often do not exhibit extreme levels of negativity towards each other; however, they do show a lack of positive affect for each other. These couples do not demonstrate affection, humor, positive regard, and other characteristics typically associated with happy couples.

For emotionally disengaged couples, the cost of avoiding each other often becomes the erosion of intimacy in their marriage. “They begin editing out parts of their personality and become hidden from their partners. This further erodes their intimate connection. Couples who appear emotionally disengaged may exhibit higher levels of physiological arousal during conflicts as a result of suppressing
negative affect.”

Emotionally disengaged couples tend to divorce after 7-14 years of marriage. “It seems that these relationships slowly atrophy as the partners become more and more distant.” Communication is the lifeblood of any marriage. Do not stop making those attempts to reach out to your partner. Do not allow your marriage to become or remain emotionally disengaged. Make every attempt to do what is right and good for your marriage.

Text in quotes found in: Healthy Couples and Family Processes. Interactional Patterns in Marital Success or Failure. Driver Janice, Tabares Amber, Shapiro Alyson, Nahm Young Eun, Gottman John M. Pg. 496, 2003